Don’t Office Fridge Shame Me!

Yes I stole your food from the office fridge. And I’ll probably do it again. And not because I’m hungry, but because it annoys you so much.

The first time I had merely forgot my lunch and it occurred to me that just like there is a five second rule when pizza hits the ground, there should be a 3 month rule for untouched yogurt.

I didn’t think you or anyone else would miss it. I assumed before anyone knew it was gone I would die of Salmonella or The Plague.

But then you had to send the All Staff email. You called me a thief! And not just a thief, but a “heartless, shameless” thief. Okay, dial it down. I didn’t steal your identity. There was no Password on the cup, (just a long gone expiration date), you can’t send a subject line that reads “RE: the person who violated me” over a 12 grams of sugar and 160 calories. A little proportion please.

But then you went desk to desk and made us all deny it. You don’t have better things to do? Really? And looking in my trash basket after I issued my appalled by the question denial? Do you think I have that little game? I put the yogurt cup in your trash basket when I saw you go in the rest room.

But despite the fact I am guilty, I am nonetheless outraged to be accused, and It is ON!

• I will now not only steal your food, I will eat only half of your sandwich and put the rest back. I’ll even zip lock it to keep it fresh for you.

• That soda at your desk that you keep the top on? Check out my new mantra, “Uncap, swig, spit”

• Thanks for the email reminder that you have printed your name on your food. Ever hear of a sharpie? Now I just need a pseudonym!

• Rumor has it that you are going to “fix the thief” by putting laxatives in the yogurt. Hah! I ate a yogurt that was put in the fridge in the Bush administration, maybe the first one, and you think I’m afraid of a little laxative? Bring it!

I give you a week before you beg for my forgiveness for stealing from you!! You can either surrender, fast during the workday, or bring in kale. No one is going to steal your kale.

Every day you read about the cruelty of fat shaming or slut shaming, well I will not let my moral lapse keep me from bursting with umbrage as I attack your ruthless fridge shaming!!

PS…the leftover Chicken Parm bite was awesome, is that your own sauce?